It’s a new year   4 comments

*disclaimer* this is a slightly lengthy rant and not all that rosy.  It’s a personal struggle, and I’m really ok, most of the time, but I wanted to document this now, to hopefully find a difference in myself- later on.

 

And I don’t really do “resolutions”.  Because that’s the last thing I need, is to break a promise to myself.  Someone who has always had a hard time liking and accepting herself for who she is, doesn’t need to be breaking promises to make it even worse.  Instead, I’ll just say, I’m tired of the way I feel, and I hope somehow I can make it different.  My type 2 diabetes is kicking my ass, as in, I feel like shit, because it’s running amok, even when I take more meds than I’m supposed to, and deprive myself of food for long periods of time because my sugars are too high.  It’s as though my meds aren’t doing anything the past week, and I *really* don’t want to do insulin.  *shudder* at the thought of needles. So, Steve, being the caring hubby that he is, found a friend getting rid of basically, a brand new exercise bike.  He brought it home for ME.  I got on it one night for 5 minutes, and wanted to DIE.  Ok, so in case you’re not aware, I’m 41, live a very sedentary life, and carry about 100 pounds too much for my body to carry.  Walking the stairs at home, is hard enough, let alone climbing on a bike and pedaling even slowly for 5 minutes, I thought I was going to give myself a heart attack.

So, yesterday, I was hitting rock bottom.. my sugars were so out of control from the time I woke up, I was in tears.  I cried on and off all day, was crabby & miserable to be around.  I tried so hard to just eat “safe” things, and my sugar would still remain jacked up.  I was simply going to just have to not eat.  And I was HUNGRY.  Dinner time arrives, and we had decided on pizza & wings.  Steve told me, eat a lot of wings, they’d be safer than the pizza, and you like wings.  Yea, I like wings, some, but I WANT pizza.  *sigh*  He tells me, spend 10 minutes on the bike before dinner, he just bets my sugar will come down like 30 points.  bwahahahahaha!  So, I got on, put on some music, and nearly died at 12 minutes in.  I wanted to stop at 4 minutes, but just kept going, even though I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest.  So, after 12 minutes, my sugars came down a whole whopping 12 points!  Woooooooo.  So, dinner arrives, I take 1 very small slice of pizza, and ate about 12 wings.  I really wasn’t enjoying the wings.  I usually have around 4 wings and a 2-3 slices of pizza.  But I knew the pizza was going to make it worse.  So, I avoided it, kept eating wings.  And drowning myself in water.  Oh, did I mention, I drank about 10 bottles of water yesterday?  That’s a record for me.  All it did, was make me pee more- and did not even make me a tiny bit less hungry.  Tummy growl, chug a bottle of water.  Nope, didn’t work.  Finally, about 8:30pm last night, I gave up.  I was so damn hungry, I couldn’t take it anymore, I took a slice of pizza.  And about 10pm, I grabbed 4 oreos.  Considering the fact that all I’d had to eat all day was that, the dinner earlier, and 2 eggs & 2 peanut granola bars all day long.. I’d say I’d not eaten very much at all.  I didn’t even want to know my sugar before bed last night.  This morning, before even coffee, I checked it, and while not where I’d like it to be, it’s at least my previous morning averages than the super jacked up ones.  But, afraid to eat, still.  I just *know* it’s going to be a mess once I take my first bite of anything.  So, food has become my enemy, and my body hates me, about as much as I have always hated me.

That’s hard to admit openly.  A few people have heard me say it, but I don’t think most people realize the amount of self loathing I’ve carried around most of my life.  I’m not worthy, I’m not smart, I’m not pretty, I’m not an over achieving awesome mom.  What I am is lazy, boring, fat, and ugly on the outside.  What I lack in love & respect of myself, I make up for in love for my family & friends.  They do mean the world to me.  And it is for them, that I continue to fight myself to be better.  I can put on a pretty good face most days, and get through it, but at the end of the day, I’m still just fighting myself.

So, I will be getting on that damn exercise bike until I can’t take it anymore today.  Maybe I’ll actually make it 15 minutes today.  If I can’t, I know I’ll probably beat myself up over it, but there’s always tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day..

 

Advertisements

Posted January 1, 2012 by Meg's Simple Life in life in general

Tagged with ,

4 responses to “It’s a new year

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Oh Meg!

    I read your comment on my blog today and felt sad. I certainly don’t want anything I wrote make you feel worse – that wasn’t my goal at all! In fact the opposite. Talking about all these stars and all the success, fortune and beauty they SEEM to have I was trying to point out that NOONE has it all together – I mean NO ONE!! We have goals, for ourselves, our kids and our future and these are all wonderful, but WHO we are, rather than what we own, what we look like or what we have achieved is the ultimate goal here. Less than 24 hours after I wrote that post, I lectured my son on his room, disagreed with my husband, and the house was in complete disarray! We aren’t aiming for perfection, it doesn’t exist, we do the best we can, love our families and our friends, and most importantly ourselves. I love your blog and nominated it a few posts back (did you see that?) you are real and honest and paint a visual picture for the reader as though one was right there with you – that is a gift

    I don’t have much of an idea about diabeties, though I was diagnosed with prediabeties a few years back and made some lifestyle changes so that it reversed. I was lucky. I am studying nutritional medicine, naturopathy and homeopathy. Im only beginning second year so I don’t have a lot of advise to offer you – since I have so much more to learn, but I CAN tell you that depriving your body of the nutrition and energy it needs is a terrible idea – it will leave your hormones out of whack, your spirit weak and your countenance depressed.

    I understand lives are so busy, but if you can perhaps TRY to put yourself and your body first – the reward for your family will be great, a mother with a happy spirit, energy and vitality!

    Last night I didnt want to cook, I was tired from all the celebrations and travel we have been doing and so rather than call for take out, I defrosted a pot of vegetable soup I had made months ago – it was so easy to peel and chop and throw a ton of vegies in a crockpot with some stock and herbs, and then freeze it for 2 meals another day. I assume (and could be wrong, not sure what items diabetics are not supposed to eat) that vegetables and stock couldn’t be too bad? Certainly better than pizza and oreos 😉

    I have no idea if you can take the time and the money to do so, but if you can I HIGHLY recommend seeing a Naturopath – someone who will work with your particular issues and body type and have you looking, feeling and thinking better. I truly believe your feelings are related to your body crying out for help with regards to nutrition and hormone balancing. Imagine, making a few small changes and feeling happier before the end of January – worth it? I think so!

    NB. I hope you aren’t offended by my post, I began studying these degrees so late in life because I decided I wanted to help women particularly, feel better! When I saw your message, I had to comment, but I am aware I do NOT have all the answers and would certainly not profess to.

    • I truly appreciate you taking time to reply, and in such length. I never imagined that my blog would ever truly be read by anyone but me and my family most likely, or that anyone else would really care about it. First, I don’t want you to think that your blog made me sad. Quite the opposite, it always brings me smiles. I just read a tiny bit of it that made me think of my own post about how I said I was underachieving, and got to thinking how jealous I was at your ability to do things like, move around the world for the benefit of your child. It’s not an easy thing, and I am truly happy that you were able to do it.

      Thank you for the feedback on the naturopath. I can’t honestly say that I will follow through on your advice, but it means a lot to me that you would think to offer it. Honestly, I’m ok, most days. This was, as I said, a rant, because I *hope* to improve myself, but I know it’s going to be hard, because I know I’m stubborn, and weak willed and superbly lazy.

      I hated it, but I rode my exercise bike for 16 minutes yesterday, that was up from 12 minutes the day before. I really HURT today. I ache everywhere, and I don’t know that I want to or can get on that bike today. But, yesterday, my sugars were better in check than they had been, in awhile. Can it be that 15 minutes of riding really did that much for me? I don’t know. I know I still ate less than I’d have liked to, but I didn’t starve myself all day. Right now, I feel like my diabetes is controlling me, but in the end I’m hoping, to control my diabetes.

  2. I do not have diabetes….yet….but I have food issues and know that self-loathing you described. The 2nd to last paragraph I get completely. Yeah, I just have had to start a food plan and after less than a week, am sick of eggs already.

    Hang in there with the bike, and I will try to do the same with my Wii Fit.

    • Thanks Eleanor,

      I’m trying! I managed 2 days in a row on the bike, but had to take a day off, because (my butt!) hurt so much I couldn’t sit..lol. It’s feeling ok today, so I’ll be trying it out after work. Hang in there with the Wii! We have 1 of those too, I should check out the fitness program.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: